3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i believe in u and ur pee
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
