I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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