we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
there is puke in my bra ... again
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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