Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Hello my rib-scented angel!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
