Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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