I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
