Define "chronic" masturbator.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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