I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
