Banned from zoo.
Again?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
