The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
