Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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