chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
