I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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