I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Pooping to opera.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
