The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
