I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
