every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
