Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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