He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
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