Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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