Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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