and she was petting her beer can
and i looked up. we had an audience...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
