I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
