those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Drake has all the answers
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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