Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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