I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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