her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
