There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
