Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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