watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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