My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I checked into jail on foursquare
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
