This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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