Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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