I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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