She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
