I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
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Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
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COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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