you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
