Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
