My girlfriend figured out who you are.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
