I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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