Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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