Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He passed out mid-signature
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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