I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
