we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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