Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
