I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
