my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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