Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She's the barista slut.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
