Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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