passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
