can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Randomize
