i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
