she woke up with a sticky ear
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
