Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
