Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she pinky promised me she was 18
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
