Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
