He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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