I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
